ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!!!???

DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR WORTHY NOW!!??

LIKE I DIDN'T REMIND YOU EVERYDAY....

I know I said my last entry would be the last.   Well, this one will be.  Thanks to those who commented on my last entry to my face.  That is a good thing because some people still had some things to say that I never heard.  A good friend of mine said "When you two broke up, it was like a death in the family."  I never thought about it that way.  But, in some ways he was right.   Some people heard this, some people heard that.  It doesnt really matter much but it goes along with my last posting.   Getting things off my chest.

Yes, I planned on asking her to marry me.  Yes, I was going to try and help her achieve her dream of college. Yes, I had already had a ring picked out. Yes, my Mom had lined up some photo jobs for her.  Yes, my Mom was purchasing a camera that she was crazy over.  Everything just kind of fell apart. She said  I didn'tunderstand what it was like for her.I did understand and thought I was her release from that pain. I guess I was wrong.  So again here it is.  My last posting and my thanks.

One last song for my friend.........One Day In Your Life

One day in your life, You'll remember a place, Someone touching your face, You'll come back and you'll look around,

One day in your life, You'll remember the love you found here, You'll remember me somehow, Though you don't need me now, I will stay in your heart, And when

things fall apart, You'll remember one day.....

One day in your life, When you find that your're always waiting, For a love we used to share, Just call my name, and I'll be there, You'll remember me somehow,

Though you dont need me now, I will stay in your heart, And when things fall apart, You'll remember one day....

One day in your life, When you find that your're always lonely, For a love we used to share, Just call my name and I'll be there............................

I have been thinking about alot things lately.   I do believe that this will be my last posting. Just wanted to clear the air on a few issues and get them off my chest.  I realized I have to be honest with everyone, including myself.  To me one of biggest sins you can commit is to lie to yourself.  I feel that I may have lost my best friend.  Someone who I thought was honest to me and herself.  On Monday,  I read Sams' journal.  Something I havent done in a long time.  She sounded like she was in extreme pain.   I waited for her to call and went to see her.  I asked her for a hug.  I told her things would be alright even though I didnt know what the actual problem was.   The reason I didnt know was because I only read the first 2 paragraphs even though I said I read the whole thing.   I just couldnt stand to see anymore of it because it was apparrent that she was truly hurting deeply.   I took some memorabilia with me.  I took it with me to let her know what a beautiful person she is and how great the memories were.  I am not getting into all the details but it seemed that everything I did was wrong.   Excuse me for running to you to try to help you.  We spent 3 years together....it is my nature.  I didnt want anything or anyone to hurt you.  Remember,  I wanted to take you away from all that.  But, something has changed. 

I defended her to everyone who thought what she had done to me was horrible.  I couldnt say one thing bad about her.   Sam didnt like it that people may have been thinking bad things about her...something I cannot control and I didnt start.   Things got better for a little while.  People thought I was psycho.  I wasnt.  I just had to keep it a secret that we were together a few times and it seemed like nothing had changed.  The feelings were still there.  She even admitted it.   I took her to school a couple of times when she didnt have a ride, bought her a CD player and gave her some CDs to help her get through  the shit she was going through.   That is what lead up to last Monday.  I wasnt psycho.  I was keeping secrets.  I have come to realize that the reason Sam agreed to see me and treat the way she did that I can think of is because she found out that my parents were talking about shipping me to CA for a few months(just found that out.)  I think she was afraid everyone would blame her..  If they did,  isnt my fault.  I also think that people who want you to get mad at them and hate them, want it so that they can live with a clean conscience.  If you hate THEM,  then their conscience wont blame them for the anger, meaness and hatred they feel for you.   They live to save, but love the hate. It gets them off the hook for their behavior.  No one was supposed to know about the kisses and hugs because she was afraid it would look like she was using me.   I would ask what she was so afraid of and she could never answer me except with "I dont know".  Or "I dont want a relationship.".So there you have it.  Think what you will...I know I have. 

One great note.....I have a friend of mine that is moving in with my family this weekend.  Our lead singer from the band....Ryan.  This house has known many friends who have stayed within it.  Anthony, Shaun, Tom, Chris, Joe and Roxanne.  So, we welcome Ryan to the family. 

I found a song that reminded me of my best friend..here are the lyrics...if you ever need me, you know how to reach me.  It is called I'll Stand By You.

Oh, why you look so sad,  The tears are in your eyes, Come on and talk to me now.

Dont be ashamed to cry, Let me see you through, Cause I've seen the dark side too.

When the night falls on you, Dont know what to do, Nothing you confess, Could make me love you less,

I"ll stand by you, I'll stand by you, Wont let nobody hurt you, I"ll stand by you.

So, if you're mad, get mad..Dont hold it all inside, Come on and talk to me now,

And hey, why you got to hide?, I get angry too, But, I am alot like you.

When you're standing at the crossroads and dont know which path to choose,

Let me come along, Cause even if you're wrong,

I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you, Wont let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you.

Take me into your darkest hour, And I'll never desert you, I'll stand by you.

And when the night falls on you baby.... You're feeling all alone, One day on your own,

I"ll stand by you...wont let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you.

Thanks to everyone who has helped me through all of this. Thanks to everyone who has EVER posted a comment in my journal. Thanks to everyone who understands.....goodbye.

~ryan~

It's about 8 o clock and I'm wide awake...but for good reason.

I believe that music can get you through some of the most tough times in your life. I believe that it can push you through thresholds of yourself that you never thought you could. I believe that it can help you when no one is around because it can never lie to you and will never change the message that each song holds....I gave Sam a Sony CD player this morning as I took her to school.

I feel bad for her...even though I may not know what she is going through or have no idea what it is about. She could be going through some of the toughest times in her life right now....That's why I gave her the CD player with a copy of Ten Thousand Fists in it. She needs an outlet for when no one is there for here...even though we are with her in heart and spirit. You should have seen her face when she opened the glovebox....a huge smile....priceless. That made me feel so good to see her smile...even more when she found 10K Fists inside...She said she owes me but I believe that she doesn't because she is my friend and that's all I care about....is our friendship. I cherish it on a level that no one will ever know

We're suppose to go to take pictures after I get off of work and she gets out of school....it shall be fun and I can't wait....

~ryan~ 

Today was pretty good for a Tues.

Work was just same ol' same ol'....nothing out of the blue at all. It's just really boring all the time but that's alright...it's money.

My car is "fixed" again. But I am going to go to talk to scott's dad tomorrow to see how much it is for a rear end gear lube....LMFAO!!!!!!!!....that sounds so wrong...and a tranny fluch and fill costs....and if that don't work, my car is going to be sold...

Sam called me to go with her and Rox to eat at Arby's...kinda ironic when I just left there when she called lol....I couldn't though because I had recording to do today but I really wanted to....

I went straight to practice to see Miccah because he got back from the military. He's still his same old self lol...he really dug our tunes that we played for him. Then I went home and came back to help with Ryan's vocals....sorry guys that I am such a person to detail...but I really want to make Ryan's vocals the BEST they can be. Anyway, then after everyone left, I stayed down to do a little volume mixing of Reflection. It sounds really good now and I hope the guys really like it....

I'm off to get ready for bed because I had a bad sleeping episode last night.....

~ryan~